Once again

 I find that, once again, I am compelled to blog. 

Here goes...

Don't ask, don't tell...

I got married 9 years ago.
I moved away from home immediately after getting married.
4 years later I moved even further away.

The first move was exciting.
I was young, in love, and ready to stand on my own two feet with my husband by my side.
I made friends easily. I worked full time. I enjoyed being in charge of my own life.
I participated in activities outside of work regularly.
It was fabulous.

I got fired. That royally sucked.
I felt isolated.
My husband's school became more and more questionable (ethics related - whole other story).
I started taking antidepressants.
I found work again, but money was tight.
We got pregnant.
I was excited!
Jay quit school early to pursue a career.
I had a baby.
I quit work to be a stay at home mommy.
We used WIC, paid heavily for COBRA medical insurance, and even had to ask for monetary help from the church.
All our savings disappeared.
It was uneasy.
I felt guilty.

Jay got a job.
We moved.
I panicked.
I tried to stay positive and get organized.
I found a doctor for my baby.

I broke down when asked how I was doing...
I worried those people.
I was encourage and ushered into asking for help from a medical source.
I was 100% honest in the heat of the moment.
I was institutionalized.
I felt supremely guilty.
I couldn't nurse my baby.
I couldn't see my baby.
I was terrified.
The doctor said I didn't need to be there.
I was allowed to leave.
I felt guilty for how much money I unintentionally cost us from all of that.
My parents loaned us money.
I felt helpless.
My church knew the basic circumstances.
I had earned a label.
I was immediately aware of the social stigma that accompanied that knowledge.

I got pregnant again.
I was hopeful.
We increased our habitat size.
We acquired a family vehicle.
I felt happy.

It was winter.
I had an emergency cesarian section.
I had another baby girl.
I was slightly disappointed, but calm.
My baby girl had breathing issues.
We took infant CPR.
I was terrified.
I had to take special care of this little baby.
I didn't sleep very much.
We stopped going to church.

We flew home for Christmas.
I felt out of place.
We didn't celebrate "at home."
I was yelled at for not being a better mother.
I felt disowned.

We flew back to Idaho.
My baby threw up blood.
I panicked.
More medical necessities for this tiny baby.
More money than anticipated.
I felt guilty again.

We got new neighbors.
I was asked if we were Mormon.
We started going to church again to support our neighbors going back to church.
I felt guilty for having been absent for so long.
I felt the need to be an advocate for my neighbor.
We got a new Bishop.
My neighbors received help.
I had a new friend.
I shared my dark sides with her.
I felt accepted by someone.
It was relieving.

Time marched on.
I helped coordinate my 10 year class reunion.
I felt inadequate because of the success many of them had achieved.
I got pregnant.
I was anxiously happy.

I miscarried.

I shared the news with those whom had known I was pregnant.
I closed off social media.
I couldn't be happy looking at other's happiness.
I felt so empty and hollow.
I sank into postpartum depression.
I didn't expect that.
I felt guilty.
I joined a group.
It somewhat helped.
But I felt guilty for morning my loss because of the circumstances that made it occur (whole other story).

I started to journal.

My neighbor moved away.
I got church callings.
I kept distracted.
I didn't allow myself to be captivated by what I lacked.
I changed antidepressants.
I found a preschool for my daughter.
I kept us busy all summer.
I started having panic attacks.

We were offered a spot in a different class at the preschool that met more often.
I accepted for Autumn's sake.
I realized the preschool wasn't what I needed/hoped it to be.
I decided to plow through it because of the tuition scholarship we received.
It created a lot of social anxiety and obligatory guilt for myself.
I felt I owed devotion.

Medication increased.
I started to feel like myself again.

I got hit by a bus.
Yes, you read that right.
I was OK.
We got a new car.

I got pregnant.
I was excited.
Christmas was happy. We shared the news.
I started to feel happy anxious anticipation.

Then I started to slide back into darkness.
Lonely, isolated, angry, inadequate darkness.
My medication was increased.
Spring arrived.

Bad news hit.
I felt jealous of the relief someone else achieved through suicide.
I was concerned at my emotion toward it.
I was not desiring self-harm, but I was jealous of their end to pain.
I felt irrational.
I wasn't trusting of this thought process.
My medication was increased again.

My grandpa got sick.
We went to see him.
I knew I had said my final goodbye as we drove away.
He passed.
I sang at his funeral.
I truly began to morn afterward. In private. As I always do.

I got very sick.
Nobody knows for certain the cause.
Mother's day was spent in bed.
I got prescribed medication.
My birthday arrived. I was still very sick.
I pushed through it.

I got dehydrated.
I fainted twice.
I was terrified.
Jay was anxious, which makes him angry.
I've been ordered to consume more water and rest more.
I'm doing my best to.

School ended.
I'm still sick.
I'm on more meds.
I'm hopeful it's on its way out, but not optimistic.

I feel depleted.
I'm angry a lot.
I don't enjoy very many things.

I'm afraid of being asked how I'm doing because it makes me cry and people close of when there's too much information given.
I'm afraid of not telling how I'm doing because I've seen that lead to worse outcomes.
I'm not doing well.
I want help.
But I can't give back right now.

I can't take on any emotional, physical, or psychological problems that aren't my own for fear I'd break.

I bottle my own demons when I feel like I can help someone else.
Those demons only grow in confinement.
Then they break out when nobody is around.
They know I don't want others to see them because they could create demons in others.
I bridle them in small amounts to allow my doctors to examine them and help me combat them bit by bit.
None of them are dead yet.
None are yet defeated.

It's difficult to know who can safely help.
It's scary to cross the "don't tell" line that is not always visible.
It's almost impossible to allow myself to be 100% vulnerable to someone else because of my history.

I've learned to not tell, to avoid being asked, and to hide the demons because that is what is most socially acceptable.

I'm imprisoned by society's unspoken rules about mental health.
I'm imprisoned by society's unspoken rule about airing your dirty laundry.
I'm imprisoned by how unsafe it can be to be 100% honest with everybody.
Culturally we're encouraged to not share any private information about ourselves because of the risk it involves. Risk to ourselves, and risk to others.
There are very few safe places to share anymore.

It's devastating.

How can you break the shell of "don't ask, don't tell"?

It would take the world changing. I don't believe it can be accomplished by one person alone.

The heavy burden

I'm willing to bet that most people find me to be an upbeat person.

I love my friends openly, even if/when I don't agree with their life choices.

I try to make others happy.

I do "random acts of kindness" like straightening the shopping cart corral in the parking lot, wiping down the public bathroom counters/pick up trash and dispose of it properly. I smile and wave at random strangers to get them to smile.

I try to put on a good face most of the time and try to leave behind any place better than I found it (boy scout mindset kind of).

Despite all of these things, I am a very unhappy person.

I'm very pessimistic, judgemental, bitter, and angry.

I often participate in my "random acts of kindness" because I think and feel that other people just don't care.

I get frustrated when I see shopping carts not properly corralled, thinking that whomever left it "there" doesn't give a crap about being nice to others or value the time/effort it takes for the store employee to wrangle it later.
I feel angry that the bathroom counter/floor are soaked/covered in random bits and pieces of paper towels/toilet paper. I commonly think and believe that people leave it this way because they feel it is below them to clean it up even if they caused a part of it. I commonly think that these person's respect and care of public facilities mirrors their respect and care for other people in the world.
I think and feel that everyone else passing the stranger by, and choosing to not notice them, even subconsciously, is a declaration of their love for their fellow man (or rather, their lack thereof).

I'm judgemental of my children for constant disobedience even though I've been taught that what they are doing is typical boundary pushing/normal behavior for children their age. I often feel that my children don't respect my rules/authority because it is not commonly taught/expected by others to do so. This angers me, and is a constant pulse of doubt about my worth/influence as a mother.

I commonly feel bitter when something I've told another person gets forgotten.
I've noticed over the years that I tell people less and less things. When I do speak up, I am typically very deliberate in what I say, and how I say it. When these things are not remembered/retained and I later mention it to continue the conversation, or accomplish something beyond the subject, I am disheartened. It makes me feel/believe that what I think/say/feel/do is of little to no value to the other person. It is a very isolating emotion. It often results in me never mentioning it again as it feels pointless to do so.

I feel discouraged when I see anything that I have done/cleaned/improved/worked on gets destroyed/soiled/disorganized/forgotten about. This happens even from my own doing: unfinished projects, laundry, accidentally broken items, etc.
When I perceive that I am the cause of my own discouragement it makes me doubt myself, and others, even more greatly. I feel in those moments that I believe, even more so, that progression is not likely/possible and that positive change in others is a pointless pursuit.

I have very little hope.

My counselor suggested that I make a "hope box" full of little pieces of paper with things written on them that I am looking forward to/hopeful about that have a realistic possibility of happening/can be influenced by me. Things that I can feel joyful about.
I was given that assignment over a month ago. I've only been able to come up with 3 things. Each has a possibility of being joyful. However, each comes with a realistic possibility of being stressful and unachievable.
Those possibilities terrify me.
It hasn't provided much hope.

Despite my inner thoughts and emotions, and the general tumult and anxiety they cause me, I put on a good face to most of the world.
I offer help to others. I counsel/talk to my friends as time allows me to (so long as my emotions aren't controlling my rationality or ability to be kind/uplifting toward them). I go to church. I cook. I clean. I hug my girls. I try to establish a normal/healthy pattern of living.

My compromised perspective is that I fail most of the time.

This is my heavy burden.

May 20, 2016

So I had a scary evening yesterday...
Jay, the girls, and I all went out to eat together. When I was almost done eating I got hit with a super strong contraction/lower abdominal cramping (felt like I needed to poop).

I excused myself from the table to go use the restroom, getting quite dizzy on my first 10 steps away from the table, but regaining full stamina almost immediately.

I went to the restroom and peed. I still felt the need to poop, but it didn't happen. I remember feeling sweaty all of a sudden and looked down at my insulin pump screen to see if my glucose was suddenly dropping.

I then had a short dream, and came to (after losing consciousness) with my head stuck in the corner of the bathroom walls, but still seated on the toilet.

I realized immediately that I had passed out. I was in a full body sweat at this point (no low blood sugar, by the way).

I re-gained my bearings, washed my hands, and went out of the bathroom (both Autumn and Tori were outside the door waiting to use it, in line behind another young girl).

I walked back to the table with both girls. Once I sat down I told Jay what had happened and that I needed him to take the girls to the restroom while I sat and regained my composure.

Almost instantly after he and the girls left from the table I got hit with another intense contraction and laid down on the bench to help reduce the pain.

The next think I knew/heard was my cute little Asian waitress saying "Are you OK? Are you OK?"

I responded, and slowly sat back up. I told her I had just passed out and that my husband/kids were in the bathroom, I was 28 weeks pregnant, and needed to go to the hospital.

She immediately alerted the staff, informed Jay, and had another gentleman employee (ironically named Charlie) assist her and Jay walk me out to the car.

I called emergency L&D on the way to the hospital to inform them we were coming, etc.

Once at the hospital I did not pass out again. They checked my cervix, did a swab for risk of pre-term labor, a CMP (complete metabolic panel), and urine analysis.

I also threw up there and had diarrhea.

My contractions were every 2-3 minutes upon arrival.

However, after a full bag of fluids, a Zofran (anti-nausea) bolus, and resting for a little over 3 hours the contractions almost completely stopped.

Charlie's heart rate/movement was/is normal. She wasn't stressing at all.

They released me at about 12:45am this morning.

I've been taking it very easy today, and drinking lots of water. But this virus I'm fighting, the GI (gastroenteritis) bug, and dehydration are probably the main cause of last night's scare.

I will not be doing the flea market garage sale tomorrow (Idaho's Largest Garage Sale) and will do my best to keep my activities to a bare minimum to allow myself the rest my body so desperately needs to heal.

I just figured I'd let you all know what's happening in my world... crazy scary stuff.

What I did today

Today I...

(Went to a chiropractor appointment.
Got my watch fixed.
Bought Autumn 9 dresses at Deseret Industries.
Dropped off my cousin at the airport.
Cooked macaroni and cheese.
Cooked pasta salad.
Ate pasta salad.
Made 47 peanut butter/chocolate truffles.

Made 8 "shaped" chocolates.
.
Washed dishes.
Gel painted my neighbor's and Autumn's nails.
Went grocery shopping.
Prepped and started roasting a turkey.

Formatted/edited family photos and printed them out to begin tomorrow's activity of assembling the home-made gifts they will be put into.)

had a busy day.

Once-a-year-blogging

I was looking back on my list of blog titles that I've published and realized that the last time I actually published a blog post was on the 15th of last December.

Yikes.

So... perhaps I should summarize this year. Here goes...

January:
I don't have anything saved on my calendar that I did during this month so... on to:

February:
I drove home to Colorado for my friend Michelle Keller's funeral. It sucked.
A lot of re-surfaced memories greeted me as I arrived at the church for her funeral on the morning of. This was the same location of her little brother's funeral 9 years earlier. A lot of the same people attended also. Mixed bag of emotions. But there is no way I would have not attended. I was there for Michelle, more than anyone else.
Of course I was there for her family (parents and little sister) also. But primarily I was there for Michelle. She and I shared a connection post Ryan's death that nobody else shared with her. We spent a handful of times together in college in deep conversation about life, God, etc. And these moments will forever be only mine and hers. Private conversations that I think only she and I could understand.

The only other thing I remember from February was that I actually bought some Valentine's cards for my kiddos to have/use/give away, but forgot where I put them, and thus, they were not delivered to anybody. Oops.

March:
The 4th hit me harder this year due to Michelle's funeral. I didn't call my family to share in the Noah's Arc joke due to my depression truly isolating me from the world. I hated that day.

April:
Got diagnosed as being a BRCA1 gene mutation carrier.
I forgot it was my oldest sister's birthday on the 16th. My other sister reminded me (thankfully) so I did get the chance to call her. But yeah... totally spaced that one. Still in depression head fog. Nothing outside of my own universe was truly noted/acknowledged by me.

May:
I called my little brother on his birthday and chatted for a half hour or so.
Mother's day was kind of a drag (I hinted at what I wanted by reading a book about mother's day to the girls & Jay a few days in advance... but it didn't lead to anything truly).
My birthday was ok. We went out to dinner at Red Lobster. But it didn't feel like a celebration.

June:
I forgot my anniversary because I was super distracted by having Jury duty on the first week of the month.
I also baked/decorated/served a wedding cake that weekend. They ordered custom made legos to represent all their family members atop the cake (including their two dogs and cat).

With both of those priorities encompassing my brain I literally forgot.
Jay got me a 1/2 spa day package and some roses. I was surprised to realize that it was, in fact, our anniversary and I had forgotten it.
Ward picnic.
Lydia & Naomi Hellewell's birthday party.
My daddy's birthday.
Jay's/McConkie family's reunion/Father's day. Lots of fun activities with this side of the family. Met a lot of new people and truly enjoyed how warm they all are as a family.
Went and saw "Inside Out" in theaters. It was pretty good.
Hosted a Pampered Chef party at my house. It was busy, but fun.

July:
Started seeing a psychiatrist for my depression/medication.
Autumn's "princess" birthday party. I dressed up as Elsa from Frozen. I also made her two different birthday cakes.

We also hired a magician/balloon man for her party. It was pretty cool.
I worked a shift at the Boise cannery (pears).
Autumn had her annual doctor's appointment.

August:
Camping trip with my family in Colorado. Lots of anxiety about traveling alone with my kiddos (roughest trip yet). It ended on a positive note even though the start to it was very rough on me.
Classroom visit and parent orientation at Autumn's preschool.
Autumn really liked the look/feel of her school.
I felt completely overwhelmed with all of the new information.
It's a cooperative preschool - so there's a lot of parent involvement, so it's forced me to come out of my comfort shell quite a bit, which truly has been a big help out of my depression mode.

September:
My mommy's birthday.
Another cannery assignment (peaches).
Preschool started. (I cried like a baby when dropping Autumn off).
Started EMDR psychotherapy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
Stake international night.
Preschool field trip "soccer tots."
1/2 day spa package.

October:
Attended a Tupperware party.
Preschool field trip to Linder Farms.
Autumn was moved into an older class at preschool and now attends 3 days a week instead of 2.
Went and saw the Pollocks in Heyburn and celebrated an early birthday for Tori there with a Minion cake.

She got a Wonder Woman costume from them that she absolutely loves!

My minivan was rear-ended/totaled by a school bus.

I only have slight whiplash from the crash. Tori was in the car also - but is 100% ok.
Kaylie Cleverley (my 3rd cousin, twice removed) received her endowments and I attended. :)

Preschool harvest party. On Tori's actual birthday (she keeps telling everyone that she had a birthday at preschool).

Tori's birthday party with friends. Complete with Minion cake #2. It was completely minion themed.

I had a low blood sugar that required Jay injecting me with glucagon (first time ever required in my life). It was not pretty - I bit my tongue pretty bad. From Autumn/Tori's description I must have had a seizure.

Halloween! We were cops & robbers!

And last but not least, many, many trips to the chiropractor post this car crash.

November:
Purchased a "new" (to us) minivan. No pictures taken of it yet, ironically.
Preschool field trip to Boise Rock School.
Stake pie social. My sister's recipe that I prepared for black bottom banana creme pie won in the "cream pie" category.
Jay's birthday.

And still more to come like....
Stake conference.
Oncologist appointment (because I'm a carrier for BRCA1 gene mutation I am being monitored by a breast oncologist every 6 months to ensure that if I develop cancer we catch it super quick giving me more treatment options and a better prognosis).
Thanksgiving.

December:
Trip home to Colorado.
Christmas!

So yeah, that's it for me as for now.
Let me know if you want any fill-ins, or details about anything mentioned above (or that you're aware I left out).

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Wow... I haven't written on my blog since May!

The Memorial Day garage sale was a huge success. I got rid of 3/4 of all our storage boxes in the garage through the sale, and by donating the rest.

I now have a shelf/bench out in my garage that my cousin Jeff so graciously gave to me. It's not fancy, but it's highly functional.
I also put together the girls' old diaper changing table as "craft central" for all the supplies/projects I have/do. I placed it on my rolling extendable coat rack so that I can hang things above it also (tie-dye t-shirts, other things that need to dry).
Now I just have to get rid of a couple more items in the garage that didn't sell and I've put on craigslist so that I can put "craft central" over on the end of my shelf/bench allowing for room for an additional refrigerator or chest freezer.
I'm also going to install a couple bike hooks so that I can hang my bike instead of having it take up floor space.
With that I'll also install a couple hanging 2x4s to create a place to put the plastic kiddie pool so that it's not out in the elements and not in the way of the car.
And perhaps, just to finish things off, I'll find a space out on the bench to organize my tools when I'm done with those installations so that they're no longer haphazardly placed in my linen closet.

After that I just need to tackle my bedroom, bedroom closet, coat closet, and Entertainment Center.

Bedroom closet:
I need to organize Jay and I's clothes back into the dresser (they've migrated to sitting on top - so everything in the drawers now is pretty much never worn and can be sold/consigned/given away).
Bedroom:
Organize the book shelf to actually contain books (eliminating probably another box in the garage). Unpack the boxes stacked next to our TV stand (yes, there is one in our bedroom even though we never watch anything in there - ever). Organize the night stand. Store the baby items that are still haphazardly around the night stand. Examine the contents under our bed and decide how best to organize them or if any can be given away/sold/re-purposed. Get another book shelf on my side of the bed and fill it (eliminating another box or two in the garage).Decide if I want to re-position the layout of the bedroom.
Coat closet:
Unpack/organize/repack the boxes stored in there and move them to the garage. Design a shelving/storage system on the floor for the kids' toys to be stored away when not in use (their play room is the living room - I would like to reclaim the parts of it used to store their toys). Organize board games on top closet shelf - they're currently topped on the book shelf in the living room, but there's no more room up there and there are still several in a few boxes in the garage.
Entertainment Center:
Find a better shelving method for our DVDs (maybe building shelves above the DVD player and/or re-purposing the firewood storage den in our living room (currently containing DVDs, random cables, and who knows what else). Alphabetizing the DVDs and taking inventory on a spreadsheet so we know what we have. Mounting the digital antenna to the wall so that it's not resting on top of the flat-screen.

However, the next few days are dedicated to Christmas prep.

I need to:
Bake/decorate a cake (for a client).
Bake/decorate cookies (for this client's colleagues).
Do the weekly laundry.
Complete the home-made crafts for the Christopherson family nieces/nephew.
Paint and assemble my mother in-laws gift.
Ship those gifts.
Purchase some gifts for my mother, father and husband.
Assemble the rocking horse we got for the girls.
Wrap presents.
Feed the missionaries on Wednesday (Bata yaki - be jealous other Hellewells).
Go to the Borah High School Christmas choir concert on Thursday night.
Find weighted stocking holders/hooks for our fireplace mantle.
Paint mine and my neighbor's windows with some holiday motifs.
Decide on what "treat" to leave in the mailbox for our mailman as a Christmas present.
And... I can't think of anything else.

Thankfully the tree is already assembled and decorated and our lights are "up." The lights I put "up" outside are simple this year (solar powered luminaries lining the driveway - the posts looking like peppermint sticks).

We're staying in Idaho for Christmas this year (our first Christmas together as an immediate family since becoming parents). Jay has to work on Christmas day... but we'll figure something out to make it special - perhaps joining him for luch at work.

Maybe we'll get a chance to Skype with our family members in California/Colorado/Texas on Christmas eve - and make that a new tradition.

I hope your Christmas is Merry and Bright!

2015 will be here in 16 days, 17 hours, 18 minutes, and 19 seconds! (it is now 12/15/2014 @ 7:42:41)