Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Always on the Sidelines

I've finally discovered the theme of my life: Always on the sidelines.

I decided to go out on a limb and host a jewelry party here in Boise.
The party is set for tomorrow evening.
However, regardless of the 12 invites I sent out via e-mail (as well as the multiple requests for RSVPs to those 12), and about 15 hand-written invitations I handed out in person - there has been only one voluntary response. That one being a no.

I decided to text those whose numbers I had to see if they were planning to attend, but every response I've received (6 total now), has also been a no.
I don't know why this surprises me.

I guess I was just hopeful that after moving to Boise I would find a "new home" and a "group of friends" added to it. Sadly, I've been brutally disappointed.

I was convinced that I had made one solid friend here in Boise, but was told that she and I had "a falling out" by another individual long after a small misunderstanding between she and I, I thought, had been mended. Confirmation of this falling out has come in many "convenient" ways she has turned down any invitation (or ask for help) from me, where she was not on the receiving end, since.

I just wish I had a real friend here.
You know, a "go-to" gal.
A "ya-ya."
Someone that was equally invested in a friendship with me as I was in a friendship with them.

I was recently crying to my husband about this very topic as my mind went over the friends I have had in my life that meet these qualifications.

Only two do.
Both are in Colorado.
And I sincerely hope that both know how much they mean to me (and have saved my life and my sanity over the years).
I don't know if I could have ever gone beyond high school without these two beautiful women.
Allison & Lindsay - you are my two.

However, it seems that for the majority of my life the theme has been for me to 'always be on the sidelines.' Always "looking in." Always wanting to be included, but almost always being deliberately left out.

One of the hardest realizations of this for me in my life was during 3rd grade. I was friendless in my class (Lindsay was in a different one at the time), and desperate to have someone to be a friend to me.

I came home multiple afternoons and sobbed to my mother about the lack of friends I truly had.
My dear, sweet mother came up with the idea of baking cookies for my entire class and leaving them on their desks as a way of opening that door.
We baked enough for 3 each.
I carefully placed them on each and every one of my classmates desks during recess.

I waited for someone to acknowledge my gift and say thank you...
I watched as they all came in from recess and grinned at their good fortune...
Only one classmate even asked where the cookies came from.
My teacher (who was aware of the entire situation) proudly and warmly informed him who the baker was.

I'll never forget that.

He threw the cookies away (as did almost half of my classmates immediately after him). There was no acknowledgement toward me whatsoever from any one of them. No thank you. No door of friendship was opened. I was heartbroken.

I feel the same way today.

I just wish I had my "ya-yas" here.
I wish I had someone to rely on outside of my family.

I wish the theme of my life would somehow change from always being on the sidelines, to finally being included in the game.

5 comments:

Swinging On Small Hinges said...

:( I'm so sorry Krystin. I wish I lived closer. I'd come to your jewelry party! People just don't know what a gem they are missing out on by not getting to know you better... I am dealing with a similar thing here, since starting at the homeschool co-op all the Mom's are trendy, scrawny, yuppies... I don't fit in at all and they are always chatting and ignoring me (swapping vegan recipes and yoga ideas). I come home exhausted from the emotional strain of hanging out with these women (and promptly eat some M&M's full of yellow dye #2 - LOL). Kayley loves it though so I will keep going...for her (for now!). Love you.

rebecca marra said...

Krystin, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I too have never really felt like I've had a great group of friends. I however came to a realization a long time ago that makes me ok and at peace with this. Shawn asked me the other day actually why I don't make friends the way he does, why I'm not as social as him to which I replied. " I've learned in my life that I'd much rather have one or two go to friends, the ones who drop everything when they find out you're having a miscarriage and bake you a loaf of bread just to try and make things a little sweeter, or if they can't physically be there mourn for you because they truly are heartbroken for your loss. I'd rather have one or two of those friends than 10+ friends who pretend that they care." This is something I take comfort in in this situation, I hope you can find comfort in knowing you've got your go to girls! And if I were there I'd totally come to your poo party! :)

~Courtney~ said...

Krystin,

I am so sorry you are going through that and that I left just as we were catching up. You are an amazing person and friend and I mean that. If you need someone to talk to I am here! Stay strong!

Jenn Boyd said...

Sweetie I am so sorry you are going through such a low time right now when you could use a friend. I have been there and I know that it is hard. Know that I am giving you a hug from a far. Love to all of you. Know things will get better! Of this I am sure. You will find a ya-ya. ;)

. said...

Hey babe,
I think we all (as women) feel this way - I do a lot more when I'm pregnant! Like, I think people aren't inviting me to things or that people aren't talking to me at things like playgroup and relief society activities. It's tough, but I think some of it is just our perspective, not necessarily the truth. I realzed awhile back that most people do not intentionally mean to hurt others' feelings, and that most of them feel the exact same way we do. Why is it that we can never seem to get over that "Nobody likes me" hump that starts back in grade school?
I'd say look for friends in different places. Try story time, a stoller walking group, or join a club or class that is teaching something you want to learn. People like sharing what they know with others.
On a side note - I don't go to many buying parties, even if I like the people a lot. Just sayin' - maybe there's another way to reach out to the gals in your area.