Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

My voice.

Even if I'm not in church choir, or someone only catches me singing to myself in the elevator at work. It always baffles me that so many people in my life have complimented my voice.

It's odd. Even at my current job. I answer calls and it seems at least every other call I get complimented on how pleasant of a voice I have. How I'm so nice to listen to, and so easy to understand. I guess being raised in a family where your spoken diction or grammar was automatically corrected has brought me a long way in that regard.

But... on the singing part of things. I just don't get it some times. I know I sing well - but I don't consider myself to be anything special as far as my voice goes. And several people in "the industry" have assured me of such. So it's hard to have any compliments on my singing ability boost my confidence at all if I don't know that person's vocal credentials. I've been tainted. :(

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

A certain individual that will remain nameless.

Really... that's all I'm going to say on this one.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This has been a hard one for me to think about.

So many people come to mind...

I think the one person that tops my list is probably my best friend Liz Bartlett.
Liz is the kind of girl that is there for you, no matter what.
Right after Ryan passed away Liz was really hurting for me. I didn't know how to react. I kind of pushed her away. It seems we haven't been nearly as close as we were ever since.

This is something I regret on almost a weekly basis at least.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

Looking back over my life thus far, I'll admit I've had bad relationships, and even enemies. There have been several who have treated me badly.

However, it's hard for me to focus on only one. There are so many past instances in my life that I have truly "gotten over" and "forgiven."

I don't believe that re-opening some of those wounds, which I have already healed, are worth naming a name. I've truly forgiven those people.

So... I'm turning this into a "person who made you appreciate your life all that much more by their poor example."

That boils down to my grandmother.

I love her dearly, but we're not close. However, due to her lack of warmth I've developed even stronger connections with my immediate and extended family. It's funny how one rotten egg can sometimes bring the rest together.

For that, I am truly grateful.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I love how day 7 lines up on Christmas for me.

As such, when contemplating one person I found myself focusing more and more on my personal savior, Jesus Christ.

I find the more I study the Bible and Book of Mormon the more appreciative I become of his mission here on the Earth and the incredible sacrifice he made for me, and for everyone. This Christmas became even more sweet for me as I did not shop for Christmas presents at all. Nope, none, nada. Being able to truly focus on the pure meaning of Christmas has developed an even greater love for Jesus Christ. I feel as though my personal relationship with him is ever growing and has finally reached a recognizable level for me.

I know this post is a day behind - but know that this was my continued thought throughout the day on Christmas.

How blessed am I to have a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.
He truly has mad my life worth living for.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

This, without a doubt, tops my list of things I hope I never have to do:

Bury a child of mine before I die.

I've been to several funerals throughout my life. All are sad. But, to me, the one (or two) people I focus on the most throughout a funeral service is that person's mother and/or father. I can't even begin the imagine the heartbreak and the feeling of unfairness in the world to be there, be strong, and say goodbye to a baby you brought into this world. I just don't know if I'd be able to do it.

I hope I never have to.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh the list is truly endless...

Really though, what tops my list of things I want to do during my life is:

Get a college degree.

Really, this sounds so simple to some, but I didn't make it past my freshman year at CSU.
I want to go to college and actually get a degree (any degree really) in something that I feel passionate about. That list is still pretty long - 35 to 40 things come to mind that I could go to school for and easily enjoy my time studying those subjects. But I want to go to school for something that I equally feel passionate for, as well as something that I will use in my everyday living. Something that will make a difference for me outside of a specific type of employment. Knowledge I will actually use outside of a formal work place. You know, something that MATTERS!

I have plans to do this at some point - but no drive just yet to commit to one specific subject or area of study. Hopefully that will be determined within the next 2-3 years so that I can begin.

I really hope to do this in my life.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have to forgive a couple of my past employers for "letting me go."

I know this sounds so typical - but honestly, I've held a deep resentment towards a couple of my former employers for at least a year now. A very deep resentment.
I guess that's mainly because I loved my jobs. I really felt accomplished after a hard day's work at both of these positions, so being let go really hit me pretty low.

Yeah... this is kind of a short post. But I don't want to drill into this one much more. It's still a pretty sore wound.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Not saying goodbye to Ryan or telling him "I love you" before he died.

My junior year was a very difficult time in my life. I was dating Ryan Keller, a guy that treated me with the utmost respect. A guy I only ever held hands with for the 6 months that we dated. Not even one innocent kiss. Nope. Nada. None. When I asked him why he told me straight up his intention of keeping our relationship 100% clean so that we would be able to rely on each other, always. Really, he was one amazing guy.

The last conversation I had with Ryan before he drove home that Tuesday evening, March 4th, 2003, is one I will never forget. It was so thoughtless, meaningless, unimportant. I didn't even say "thank you" for the information he gave to me that I asked him for. I said "ok" and walked away to go rub that information in someone else's face because he'd proven me right. Stupid. Truly stupid.

For the next month I was a shell to those people closest to me. I acted the part I was expected to - "the trooper." I was the girl who had lost her boyfriend. Who was "strong enough" to continue on, and to forge new friendships with all those she didn't know who had held Ryan dear. It was awkward. It was difficult. And I DID NOT share what I was thinking or feeling deep inside of me to anybody. I just couldn't. I didn't know how.

I have to forgive myself for all of that. For not knowing how to stay sane and whole through that whole rest of the year. How to not let some friendships practically shatter because I didn't know how to be real around anyone any more. I have to forgive myself for being human. I always expect better or the best from myself and am usually bitterly disappointed when looking back. This is what I need to forgive myself for.

I hope some day that I can.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Ok, honestly this one is going to sound extremely odd in a way to some people but...

I LOVE how up-front, bold, and "in-your-face" I am.
I'll admit that this characteristic has gotten the best of me at times (can you say fired?) but still. This is one thing I absolutely love about myself.

It takes a person with real fire and guts to unabashedly say what they think to anyone without fear of the consequences.

I was lucky enough to be raised by a man that is very politically outspoken (on certain topics) as well as being very "set in his ways." I value knowing what you believe, and being willing to fight to the death when you have the facts to back it up. That being said - I also love that I am willing to not pick a fight and leave other persons in a tivy when I will not argue a point with them. I choose to believe what I believe. You are more than welcome to tell me what you believe and/or know to be true, however, that does not mean I will change my opinion. I will take into consideration what you share, and your research on any topic. But it's up to me to decide what I believe. You have no power over me. I have free agency.

Enough said.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Oh there are so many things I dislike about myself... but what do I truly hate?

I hate having my disease. There, I said it.
Almost everyone I know knows that I have diabetes. However, whenever I get on the topic I automatically stand up on my soap box and tell whomever is around how this disease really isn't a big deal. I tell about how simple it is to manage, and how those that use it as an excuse are my biggest pet peeve.

Really though - I hate having this disease.

I hate how much energy I spend on "taking care of it" and "managing my blood sugars" etc.
I hate how much money this disease takes out of my pocket every day.
Put it this way: without medical insurance the test strips alone to test my blood sugar cost a little more than $1 each. I test my blood sugar 4-7 times a day. Yeah... that's just the start.
I also spend about $12 every 3 days on just the plastic supplies to deliver my insulin into my body. This is not including the cost of the wipes (alcohol, etc.) to sterilize my skin and everything else. This also does not include the price of the actual insulin itself.
Blah... I really do hate having this disease.

I also hate how having this disease dramatically increases the risk for several other medical problems. Scroll the list:

Kidney Failure
High Blood Pressure
Weight gain
Amputations (feet, hands, limbs, etc)
Various organ transplants
Really... the list is truly endless

I also hate how having this disease dramatically increases the risk of my children developing it.
I also hate the fact that I really have to keep medical insurance at all costs (because it's cheaper to have the insurance than to pay for everything associated with having it out of my own pocket).
I hate how much medical procedures cost just to up-keep good diabetic health.
I hate how my immune system is constantly compromised and how much longer it takes my body to heal from scrapes, bruises, cuts, and even minor illnesses like colds.

Really... count your blessings for not having my disease.
It is one thing I truly hate about myself, and there's not much chance of finding a cure for my type of diabetes (type 1) in the near future. Science just isn't moving fast enough - and finding a cure for it post onset is limited to finding a way to block your immune system for continuing to attack your healthy body functions (production of insulin) in the future (including if you had a pancreas transplant).

So yeah... that pretty much sums it up.

The Truth

A friend of mine had this on her blog so I decided I would give it a whirl too. It's called 30 days of truth.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Blowing chunks

The title truly says it all.
This is the 3rd time I've truly thrown up real food since becoming pregnant.

Yes, you read that right.

I'm pregnant. About 7-8 weeks a long as of Wednesday. I give a range because I still haven't had my first sonogram, but my Doctor did confirm my pregnancy with a blood test (on a Wednesday) and told me I was 3-4 weeks a long when she gave me the results. So yeah, until an OB gives me an official week number and due date, it's between weeks and end of July - Beginning of August for the due date.

So... I've joined the world-wide group of expecting mothers that have that lovely thing commonly called "morning sickness."
This is a curse.
Basically, I didn't have any morning sickness whatsoever when I was pregnant with Kayley. So, this is all new to me. So far I've managed to gag myself on my toothbrush every morning since I was 4-5 weeks a long, some times throwing up stomach juices (I intentionally brush my teeth before I eat).
But, as for real food loss - only 3 meals.

Let me say this much - being able to manage my blood sugars accurately with this pregnancy has been horrible. When I throw up - I go super low considering I've already taken insulin for the food I ate. And if I correct my blood sugar with juice or a capri sun... well... lets just say that juice in general is not sitting well on my tummy. Basically comes right back up within a half hour.

So yeah... I'm sitting in front of my computer at 4:56am with my pink "hospital bucket" (the cute rectangular one I got from the last time I was in a maternity ward - but never had to use) in case I don't stop heaving for the next little while, whining to all of cyber-space about being pregnant and feeling ill. Just thought you'd all like to know.

Hopefully the next post will be much happier. :P

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Unemployment blues

I'm convinced that I shouldn't have a job.
I want to be a stay-at-home wife.
That being said...

I got fired again.

My feelings toward this news are:
Bitter, depressed, stressed, self-questioning, distraught, manic, afraid, uncertain.

I wish I had a job.
More than that, I wish I knew how we are going to be able to pay our bills, and maintain having insurance because my stupid disease is very expensive.

In short, life goes on.
Now I'm just most worried about the quality of life I'll be able to lead emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I wasn't ready for another kick while I was still down...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Share the Love

I like this idea for "things to do" on my days off.
That's right, I have a job now. There will be another blog about this subject later.
So anyway... feel free to read on and leave a comment. :)

The first five people to respond to this blog will get something made by me! It will be MY choice of course and will be made for YOU. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
2. What I create will be for you.
3. It'll be done within a year - hopefully by the end of this one.
4. You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be sewn, painted, written, or maybe something totally random that I come up with on a whim, etc.
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. So leave a comment so I can get creative and be sure to "share the love".

Love you all!