Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Not saying goodbye to Ryan or telling him "I love you" before he died.

My junior year was a very difficult time in my life. I was dating Ryan Keller, a guy that treated me with the utmost respect. A guy I only ever held hands with for the 6 months that we dated. Not even one innocent kiss. Nope. Nada. None. When I asked him why he told me straight up his intention of keeping our relationship 100% clean so that we would be able to rely on each other, always. Really, he was one amazing guy.

The last conversation I had with Ryan before he drove home that Tuesday evening, March 4th, 2003, is one I will never forget. It was so thoughtless, meaningless, unimportant. I didn't even say "thank you" for the information he gave to me that I asked him for. I said "ok" and walked away to go rub that information in someone else's face because he'd proven me right. Stupid. Truly stupid.

For the next month I was a shell to those people closest to me. I acted the part I was expected to - "the trooper." I was the girl who had lost her boyfriend. Who was "strong enough" to continue on, and to forge new friendships with all those she didn't know who had held Ryan dear. It was awkward. It was difficult. And I DID NOT share what I was thinking or feeling deep inside of me to anybody. I just couldn't. I didn't know how.

I have to forgive myself for all of that. For not knowing how to stay sane and whole through that whole rest of the year. How to not let some friendships practically shatter because I didn't know how to be real around anyone any more. I have to forgive myself for being human. I always expect better or the best from myself and am usually bitterly disappointed when looking back. This is what I need to forgive myself for.

I hope some day that I can.

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