Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Always on the Sidelines

I've finally discovered the theme of my life: Always on the sidelines.

I decided to go out on a limb and host a jewelry party here in Boise.
The party is set for tomorrow evening.
However, regardless of the 12 invites I sent out via e-mail (as well as the multiple requests for RSVPs to those 12), and about 15 hand-written invitations I handed out in person - there has been only one voluntary response. That one being a no.

I decided to text those whose numbers I had to see if they were planning to attend, but every response I've received (6 total now), has also been a no.
I don't know why this surprises me.

I guess I was just hopeful that after moving to Boise I would find a "new home" and a "group of friends" added to it. Sadly, I've been brutally disappointed.

I was convinced that I had made one solid friend here in Boise, but was told that she and I had "a falling out" by another individual long after a small misunderstanding between she and I, I thought, had been mended. Confirmation of this falling out has come in many "convenient" ways she has turned down any invitation (or ask for help) from me, where she was not on the receiving end, since.

I just wish I had a real friend here.
You know, a "go-to" gal.
A "ya-ya."
Someone that was equally invested in a friendship with me as I was in a friendship with them.

I was recently crying to my husband about this very topic as my mind went over the friends I have had in my life that meet these qualifications.

Only two do.
Both are in Colorado.
And I sincerely hope that both know how much they mean to me (and have saved my life and my sanity over the years).
I don't know if I could have ever gone beyond high school without these two beautiful women.
Allison & Lindsay - you are my two.

However, it seems that for the majority of my life the theme has been for me to 'always be on the sidelines.' Always "looking in." Always wanting to be included, but almost always being deliberately left out.

One of the hardest realizations of this for me in my life was during 3rd grade. I was friendless in my class (Lindsay was in a different one at the time), and desperate to have someone to be a friend to me.

I came home multiple afternoons and sobbed to my mother about the lack of friends I truly had.
My dear, sweet mother came up with the idea of baking cookies for my entire class and leaving them on their desks as a way of opening that door.
We baked enough for 3 each.
I carefully placed them on each and every one of my classmates desks during recess.

I waited for someone to acknowledge my gift and say thank you...
I watched as they all came in from recess and grinned at their good fortune...
Only one classmate even asked where the cookies came from.
My teacher (who was aware of the entire situation) proudly and warmly informed him who the baker was.

I'll never forget that.

He threw the cookies away (as did almost half of my classmates immediately after him). There was no acknowledgement toward me whatsoever from any one of them. No thank you. No door of friendship was opened. I was heartbroken.

I feel the same way today.

I just wish I had my "ya-yas" here.
I wish I had someone to rely on outside of my family.

I wish the theme of my life would somehow change from always being on the sidelines, to finally being included in the game.

Friday, August 31, 2012

The Nesting Phase

I find the beginning of my "nesting phases" to be quite entertaining.

First off, I don't do anything - I "sub-consciously plan" everything.

The sub-consciously planning phase:

This takes up every wavelength of brain power I am not using in my every day life. So I daydream, I actually dream, and I almost hallucinate how things are going to look, smell, be, etc.

Without even actively thinking about it I plan how the kiddo's room is going to look, what outfit I'm going to take the new kiddo home in, what I'll have in my hospital bag, what my fully stocked refrigerator will contain (all prepped ahead of time of course) once I get home from the hospital, etc.

Once this initial phase is complete (meaning my sub-conscious brain has gone through all details enough times to have those things immediately come to mind if/and when I do start planning, the next phase begins.

The overhaul phase:

One morning I will wake up and immediately have to get everything that I possibly can get done, in the shortest amount of time, completed.

This time it started with car shopping. No, I have not purchased a car yet - I thankfully have my husband as a fail safe when it comes to making big purchases. We do know what we want now though, and are a lot closer to getting it.

Today the shift went to the baby's room.
I rearranged the entire thing myself and was about to put the crib linens on when my "do everything that I possibly can get done, in the shortest amount of time" mode took over and I decided to wash all the linens and other laundry in the house before finishing.

So right now I am sitting at my computer listening for when the dryer will ding with another load of laundry for me to fold. I'm also waiting for Autumn to wake up from her nap because the laundry just isn't finished until it's all folded, put away, and the floors have been vacuumed and swept/mopped. But, of course, you can't vacuum with a baby sleeping.
So what does my brain have me do? Jump online and research the heck out of cars via KBB.com

I also noticed that my sub-conscious is dabbling with the contents of my refrigerator once again (a fact that I am trying to ignore because if I give it conscious thought I will have to immediately pull everything out of the fridge, clean it, and start making various meals, putting them in containers, and labeling them). My fridge is organized right now too... it's just that initial nesting phase trying to take over.

I know the next things that'll happen over the next few days will be me having a bag packed for the hospital (which I will constantly swap things in and out of as I use them), set up the bassinet next to my bed, organize all the kid clothing in the baby's room, and come up with a written meal plan/shopping list for my fridge overhaul.

The sad fact is that I know my brain will not shut off even if/when everything is done.

That darn nesting phase...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

New Year Resolutions follow up

So I figured I'd touch base and see where I was with my resolutions so far this year... I'll post all of them as a re-cap followed by a follow up.

1. Be caffeine free. No more caffeinated sodas. Zip. None. Nada.
(so far so good)

Follow up: I broke down in March and had a caffeinated diet coke from a drive-in. And, I'm sad to say that I haven't been able to go back to caffeine free ever since. I guess I'll have to try this one again at some point, but as for this year, it's a bust.

2. Pay off all the hospital bills from last year and money I owe my daddy.
(half complete)

Follow up: Done! :)
Now we just have new Dr's bills and money to save for our upcoming November hospital bills... the cycle never ends.

3. Loose some weight. Even one pound.
(not really a big deal to me - but I am trying to be more active and take walks with Autumn in the stroller during the week)

Follow up: I am more active but, as I've put in this blog previously, I'm pregnant. The weight loss will have to be postponed as for right now I am expected to gain, not loose some poundage.

4. Find a house to rent or purchase.
(I've been looking at local places on my walks that I can get to on foot)

Follow up: Looking at a place later today for sale (it got listed yesterday). Jay and I also are seriously looking for a place to rent as our lease ends on the 25th. We have a go-to for in between if we can't get into a place to rent right away, but it's a last resort. I just hope we find something, and fast, as we would like to be decided on a place to submit an application to by this weekend.

5. Make friends here in Boise.
(Amy Taylor is friend #1, Nickelle Weeks is friend #2 - so far so good)

Follow up: New friend by the name of Katelyn Roos. She and her husband Kevin live just down the street from us and we now have weekly FHE's at their house alternating who prepares the lesson, and who makes a treat. I've also met and made friends with my next door neighbors Janessa and Marshall (although I don't know their last name). She is also expecting and has the same due date as me.

6. Buy a second car.
(I'm assuming this will happen later in the year)

Follow up: Haven't even looked. This really may not happen this year, but probably should considering we'll have 2 car seats to lug around when we go anywhere with both the babies.

7. Re-create our nest egg.
(Looking forward to filing our taxes so that I can put the whole return into savings)

Follow up: Used some of the return to finish paying off bills. Put the rest in savings. We're planning on really saving for the next 6 months or more to really make up a down payment and closing costs (any that we end up having to pay) to buy a house with.

8. Stay in better contact with my immediate family.
(Sent them all Valentines)
Follow up: I think I'm doing ok for the most part. I think the two siblings I'm doing the worst with is Melissa and Ben (although I did mail Ben a Kermit the frog stuffed animal as a belated birthday gift... it got there in March).

9. Take a trip or two.
(Two family reunions planned this year - Christopherson & McConkie)

Follow up: I drove myself and Autumn to Utah to get my taxes prepared there by my trusted CPA. I spent about 4 days there doing so.
Jay and I also went to my Grandpa's 94th birthday party in Heyburn. We spent a couple of days there at a local hotel.
Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to ask my in-laws if I can travel back to Colorado with them to spend some time at home with my parents (Autumn in tow of course) and then fly back to Boise. I'll probably talk to them about this potential plan tomorrow considering they'll be arriving here on the 12th. That's 4 days away - yikes!

10. Move my dogs to Idaho.
(This will have to happen once we are renting and/or own a house)

Follow up: Since we don't have a house yet this isn't quite a possibility yet. However, I was talking to my mom about the potential for doing so. She, as well as my sister Melissa, thinks that the move would be too hard/traumatic on my oldest dog Tinkerbell. She is both deaf and pretty much blind (cataracts in both eyes) and would probably have a very hard time adjusting to a new home. My mom even said that she's considering putting her down when we're ready to move them here (because she thinks being separated from Daisy would be equally hard on her as moving). I'm not sure how I feel about that potential. Even thinking about it makes me tear up. I really really love my dogs. They're still puppies in my eyes. We'll have to follow up when the reality of moving them (or just Daisy) here gets closer.

So... that looks like 5 out of 10 are successful so far. The first one is a complete failure, and there are 4 to be determined still.

I'll post another follow up later in the year.

Monday, April 9, 2012

One

We had a doctor's appointment today with an ultrasound.
I'm happy to announce that we're having only ONE baby!
Not multiples!
:)
This has calmed my anxiety considerably.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Stork is on his way!

I'm pregnant!!!

We weren't preventing by any means... but considering it took us 1.5 years to be able to conceive little Autumn I was quite surprised to see a "positive" result on the test I took Sunday morning.

Both Jay and I are super excited!

When we were talking about it we kinda made a decision... we're going to keep the baby's gender a secret 'till he/she's born! We're not even going to find out!

This has completely increased the anticipation for me!
We'll see if I don't change my mind about this decision some time within the next 35 weeks or so.

So yeah! That's life for right now!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Aftermath

This is a follow-up to my post "Crimes of Domestic Violence."

The police were here for several hours.
Both the husband and the wife were booked into jail. Their two children were taken by child protective services. Their dog was taken by animal control.

Why such a dramatic outcome? One word: Drugs.

I was shocked to hear from one of the police deputies that they found drugs in the house. Not just some - a lot. From what I saw hauled out by the decontamination unit there were 3 different marijuana plants as well as several bags of weed, and many growing implements. They filled an entire back of a pickup truck with what they hauled out.

It was quite a scene.

Our apartment manager got all of us residents that were home within our little street circle together about 10 minutes after they left.
He informed us all of what had happened (without going into details) and encouraged us to call the police if/when we saw or heard anything suspicious. He commended me, while leaving me anonymous, for doing the right thing and calling police. He said that with where the office is located compared to where our circle is it is hard for him to hear what happens. He also expressed how he is most concerned for the children that live in our little area, as there are many.

James (the manager) informed us all that when it comes to any physical violence that takes place on the property there is a "3 strikes, you're out" rule. He also said that there is a zero tolerance for drugs.

So... I know that these neighbors are being evicted.

In talking with all of my neighbors that attended our little meeting I discovered more information about the domestic violence that had been taking place next door.

I was heartbroken to find out that their neighbors on the other side had heard the husband throw the woman down the stairs previously. They also could smell the marijuana through the vents in the ceiling. I was in shock that they had not contacted police themselves. What were they waiting for?!

I am carrying a prayer in my heart today for those two little children. They are both so young. I think their daughter is maybe 2, and their son only a matter of months old. I hope with all my heart that their mother is able to go through the necessary steps to get them back, and be a good mother to them.

Today was a sad day.

Crimes of Domestic Violence

I woke up this morning, not to Autumn crying... but to hearing my neighbors shouting and multiple sounds of crashes/bangs through the wall that separates my bedroom from theirs. Immediately my heart stopped. All I could think of was Toni Clark - one of my High School friends who was murdered in a "Crime of Domestic Violence."

I don't know my neighbors very well.
I do know that they have two children.

I did the only thing I could think of - I called the police.

After assuring me that officers were on their way and disconnecting the call I realized that one of my neighbors left in a truck - it was the husband.

I called police back and informed them.

I could not hear anything next door now - and now I was even more scared.

Was she ok?! Were the babies injured?! When was 'he' going to return?!

I called the apartment manager and told him what had happened, and what I had done.
He thanked me - he also said he would go and knock on her door to see if she was ok.

Thank God she was, and answered his knock (I heard). I was so afraid that she wouldn't/couldn't.

The apartment manager called me back and told me she was ok and that he did not see any bruising, etc, on her when he was there.

The police came and spent quite a bit of time inside her apartment with her. They parked in my neighbors parking spot, and had another officer show up with an orange box to collect samples... Things were not as bad as I imagined, but this was not a good sign.

My mind thought on the video I had seen that my friend Toni's parents had made this past year. I want all of my friends to watch this and share it - it could save a life. Because of its influence I may have saved my neighbors.

This is the link to the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI2ZEaEB_XA&feature=share

The police are still here. I don't know what the outcome of everything is, but I hope it is more positive than it may have ended up. I know it is more positive than it may have ended up.

I will never forget Toni, nor her story.
I hope others find the courage to prevent these things from happening to their friends, neighbors and loved ones.

It just may save a life.

Friday, February 17, 2012

New Year Resolutions

So... I don't blog much, as is evident by how often I actually write one.

Here's the latest in my life and my 2012 New Year Resolutions.

Today:
Autumn's first tooth has appeared! She hasn't figured out crawling just yet, but she will get up on her hands and knees and rock.

Jay is really liking his job at Micron - which he started in November of last year. He is a process engineer in the photolathography lab. He was given two free movie passes today at work for doing such a good job over the past week. Date night here we come!

I have days that I find myself kicking my butt into gear and getting a lot of things done. Namely today - I did the dishes, took out the trash, organized the fridge, cleaned the baby room, etc. Then there are other days that I don't do a darn thing. Being a stay at home mom is great. :) I rewarded myself tonight by going out to a game night with some relief society sisters. It was really fun.

Yesterday:
Autumn does not like the sound of the vacuum, or any high-pitched sound for that matter. We have an electric pump to inflate her baby tub, but every time I turn it on she bawls. Getting ready to take a bath should not be this dramatic.

I was called to be the Night Relief Society Chairperson in my ward. So I get to plan a once/month night meeting (aka enrichment) for my ward's relief society with a committee. Our first one was on Valentines Day - and no, I did not pick the date for this one. It was fun anyway.

Tomorrow:
Autumn is going to get a bath - she's overdue.

Jay has to work Saturday's now, so I'll be alone with the baby and chores all day.

I need to cook enough rice for 10 people for the "Friends of Scouting" dinner and auction at my church. I also will be providing shredded carrots for said event. I hope I have another day where I feel motivated to do things because I need to do this and get Autumn and myself over to the church building by 5:30pm - and because we only have one car, I will be walking.

So... for the New Year Resolutions I decided on for myself, they are as follows:
1. Be caffeine free. No more caffeinated sodas. Zip. None. Nada.
(so far so good)

2. Pay off all the hospital bills from last year and money I owe my daddy.
(half complete)

3. Loose some weight. Even one pound.
(not really a big deal to me - but I am trying to be more active and take walks with Autumn in the stroller during the week)

4. Find a house to rent or purchase.
(I've been looking at local places on my walks that I can get to on foot)

5. Make friends here in Boise.
(Amy Taylor is friend #1, Nickelle Weeks is friend #2 - so far so good)

6. Buy a second car.
(I'm assuming this will happen later in the year)

7. Re-create our nest egg.
(Looking forward to filing our taxes so that I can put the whole return into savings)

8. Stay in better contact with my immediate family.
(Sent them all Valentines)

9. Take a trip or two.
(Two family reunions planned this year - Christopherson & McConkie)

10. Move my dogs to Idaho.
(This will have to happen once we are renting and/or own a house)

We'll see how I do... wish me luck!