Always on the Sidelines

I've finally discovered the theme of my life: Always on the sidelines.

I decided to go out on a limb and host a jewelry party here in Boise.
The party is set for tomorrow evening.
However, regardless of the 12 invites I sent out via e-mail (as well as the multiple requests for RSVPs to those 12), and about 15 hand-written invitations I handed out in person - there has been only one voluntary response. That one being a no.

I decided to text those whose numbers I had to see if they were planning to attend, but every response I've received (6 total now), has also been a no.
I don't know why this surprises me.

I guess I was just hopeful that after moving to Boise I would find a "new home" and a "group of friends" added to it. Sadly, I've been brutally disappointed.

I was convinced that I had made one solid friend here in Boise, but was told that she and I had "a falling out" by another individual long after a small misunderstanding between she and I, I thought, had been mended. Confirmation of this falling out has come in many "convenient" ways she has turned down any invitation (or ask for help) from me, where she was not on the receiving end, since.

I just wish I had a real friend here.
You know, a "go-to" gal.
A "ya-ya."
Someone that was equally invested in a friendship with me as I was in a friendship with them.

I was recently crying to my husband about this very topic as my mind went over the friends I have had in my life that meet these qualifications.

Only two do.
Both are in Colorado.
And I sincerely hope that both know how much they mean to me (and have saved my life and my sanity over the years).
I don't know if I could have ever gone beyond high school without these two beautiful women.
Allison & Lindsay - you are my two.

However, it seems that for the majority of my life the theme has been for me to 'always be on the sidelines.' Always "looking in." Always wanting to be included, but almost always being deliberately left out.

One of the hardest realizations of this for me in my life was during 3rd grade. I was friendless in my class (Lindsay was in a different one at the time), and desperate to have someone to be a friend to me.

I came home multiple afternoons and sobbed to my mother about the lack of friends I truly had.
My dear, sweet mother came up with the idea of baking cookies for my entire class and leaving them on their desks as a way of opening that door.
We baked enough for 3 each.
I carefully placed them on each and every one of my classmates desks during recess.

I waited for someone to acknowledge my gift and say thank you...
I watched as they all came in from recess and grinned at their good fortune...
Only one classmate even asked where the cookies came from.
My teacher (who was aware of the entire situation) proudly and warmly informed him who the baker was.

I'll never forget that.

He threw the cookies away (as did almost half of my classmates immediately after him). There was no acknowledgement toward me whatsoever from any one of them. No thank you. No door of friendship was opened. I was heartbroken.

I feel the same way today.

I just wish I had my "ya-yas" here.
I wish I had someone to rely on outside of my family.

I wish the theme of my life would somehow change from always being on the sidelines, to finally being included in the game.