It's about love

I spent this past weekend with Kayley and her family.

I can't describe to you the overwhelming sense of confirmation that I did the best thing for my daughter 5 years ago when I placed her for adoption.
She is with the right family.

She was meant to be their daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/cousin.

I met up with James, Stephanie, Kayley, Maggie, James' sister, brother, sister in-law, nieces, nephew and parents all on the temple grounds Saturday morning.

Jay and I were late getting there because little miss Autumn spit up all over her first outfit - so we almost missed them.

I dashed out of the waiting area for patrons not going into the temple when I saw them walk past the window toward the temple grounds exit. I scrambled as fast as my legs would carry me (unencumbered by the baby stroller that was waiting with Jay - Autumn tucked inside) and called out "Stephanie! Stephanie! Steph!" 'till I got her attention.

Actually, I got her mother in-laws attention first who echoed my cry to Stephanie.

It was like I caught up with one of my best friends.
Her face lit up when she saw me and promptly came over to give me a hug!

Of course she asked: "Are your husband and baby here?!"

I sheepishly answered that yes, they were, and that we had gotten there later than we had expected to.
We had a brief conversation as they were headed over to the reflecting pool to take pictures with the photographer she had hired - but I told her that I would go grab Jay and Autumn and meet them all over there.

As Jay and I walked over toward this group of practically strangers I felt very anxious - how was everyone going to react to meeting me?! I was practically petrified.

All that melted away immediately when we caught up to them and - James' mother Beverly took me into her arms in a very warm and tight embrace saying: "I've wanted to give you a hug for a very long time."

Every little tiny worry and doubt in my mind vanished. It was confirmation all over again that these people were exactly who God wanted my little girl's family to be.

Stephanie introduced me to Kayley - who immediately gave me a hug, and to the rest of the family that was there.

James' dad also gave me a very warm embrace and whispered words in my ear that brought tears to my eyes: "Thank you so very much for your sacrifice."
I could only respond "you're welcome."

What else could I say?! I knew 5 years ago that James and Stephanie were supposed to be my little girls parents. I couldn't have asked for more than that - but she was given so much more. She was given a complete family of people that love and adore her. Something I hadn't even considered in my shallow 20 year-old mind when I gave her away. I just knew that it was about love.

That's what it's always been about.
I love my daughter. I've always loved her. Deeper than I can explain to anyone that has never had children, or any child that they love or care for.
I loved her enough to know that, even though I loved her more than I ever thought possible, I couldn't be the best mom for her when I was that young. When I was still growing up myself. When there were years of uncertainty before me. When I didn't have someone to be her daddy by my side - married to me. I wasn't my daughter's best option. I loved her enough to know that and to give her the best thing I could - a complete family. A forever family.

Saturday confirmed all of that, all over to me.

It's about love.

It always has been - and it always will be.

I love you Kayley.
I love you Stephanie & James.
I love your family.
Thank you for letting me be a part of it.


When saying goodbye to James, Stephanie, Maggie and Kayley on Monday - Kayley gave me a bouquet of flowers picked in the grass where we were, gave me a hug and said "Goodbye, I love you."
She said to me the same four words I said to her 5 years earlier.
I cannot deny that it's about love.

Kayley Faith

I'm pretty sure that everybody officially "following" my blog knows that I am a birth mom.
If you don't follow though, and you are unsure of what a birth mom is...
I've provided the definitions to common phrases meaning the same thing:

birth mother

— n
the woman who gives birth to a child, regardless of whether she is the genetic mother or subsequently brings up the child

birth parent 

- n
a biological mother (birth mother) or biological father (birth father); a biological parent.

So basically, I had a child, almost 5 years ago now, but placed her for adoption.
I haven't seen her in person since the 2nd day I spent in the hospital with her (also the day I signed the adoption papers and gave her to her parents).

In the arrangements made between Kayley's (my daughter) parents and myself, we agreed that she and I would not have an in-person relationship unless she asked for one.
I was the one to actually make this request because of a conversation I had had with a very close friend of mine (who was 65 at the time, and also adopted). He had said to me: "Krystin, you need to be open to the idea that she may never want to know you. I've never wanted to meet my birth parents. I knew I was adopted, but I had a mom and a dad. I was content. I never needed to 'look into' that part of my life to make myself whole as a person. If these people that you are giving her away to are anything like my parents were, she may never need or want to know you. You need to be prepared to accept that."

So, since I placed Kayley for adoption, I haven't ever "met" her in person. I've seen videos and pictures of her online via Facebook and her parents blog. I've stayed in touch with her adoptive mother, Stephanie, via e-mail and text as well. I've been content with this. I even share my story on adoption with random strangers when the subject arises (which it does quite often when you're pregnant and people ask "is this your first?").

Well, about 3 days ago I got a text message from Stephanie letting me know that, "out of the blue," Kayley asked if she could write me a letter. I responded with affirmation that that was ok, and that I was looking forward to reading it.

The letter arrived today. I opened it.

After "aww-ing" at the picture on the front of the card, I opened it and read the first sentence.

I started bawling immediately.

I'm not sure if I can describe the emotions of relief, joy, and absolute love I have for this little girl and her family completely overcame me.

So, I'm planning a trip in the near future, as soon as this baby gets here (hopefully before and/on around the 26th - because that is Kayley's birthday) to go meet my daughter.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.

There really aren't words to express the love a birth mother has for a child she places for adoption. Anyone who says otherwise is gravely misinformed.