I really don't blog much

So yeah... the last time I really said anything about what was going on in my life was back in December.

So... here's to the 6-month update!

I'm still pregnant.
35 weeks + 1 day today.
I'm having constant contractions - every 4 to 5 minutes 'round the clock.
My due date is July 28th - but I doubt I'll make it there.

My husband finished his Master's degree at the University of Utah as of 12/31/2010 and has been "unemployed" ever since.
Right now he's tutoring part time at a local high school. Lucky for us, this tutoring position is steady throughout the summer because of summer school - otherwise we'd be in a financial mess.

As for right now, I am on a Leave of Absence from my place of work. My short term disability should kick in some time this next week. However, when I'm done with short term disability - my job is not guaranteed to still be available. So, I may be looking again come October for work - my doctor wants me on short term 'till October 21st.

Jay is searching for jobs all over the U.S./world right now. Turned in 15 applications today as a matter of fact. But, so far, he's only interviewed with one company and they didn't offer him a position. If/when he gets a full-time offer with an income that we can live on - we'll move to wherever the job is.

I've done some heavy spring cleaning this year to make room for our baby to come.
I set up the cute crib and organized all the baby shower presents too.
We will be having a little girl and will name her Autumn.

It's super surreal to think that I'm going to actually have a kid and be a mom.

I haven't had any wacko cravings with this pregnancy - just green vegetables, same as when I was pregnant with Kayley. Veggies are awesome!

Once I deliver this little girl my mom will be coming out to stay with us for a little while to help out. When she goes back home Jay's mother is planning to do the same. After her visit, my best friend Allison is going to come out for a day.

I've taken a few pictures of the "prep" from Autumn - but haven't uploaded any onto my computer yet so I don't have any to post today, but I'm certain I will in the near future.

(Now I'm adding them in)




So yeah... that's an update on our life for the moment.
I'm sure I'll blog again before another 6 months have passed by. (at least I hope I will anyway...)

Thanks for reading!

Day 30: A letter to yourself.

I’ve had a really hard time coming up with what to write to myself, that’s why this is so late.

Dear Krystin,
Times are tough. Life isn’t fair. You know how it goes.
I know you find yourself often hating the situation you are in. Work isn’t easy, money is tight, and depression drains you of your energy. But… don’t get caught up in the here and now. You have a very positive future to look forward to. You’re expecting you and Jay’s first child. You’ve dreamed of and prayed for this since becoming engaged to him. You made it. It’s actually going to happen. Boy or girl, you’re going to be a great mom.
Jay is going to find a job. You know that. It’s just a matter of time and persistence.
You’re a great friend. You always have been. You make other people’s days a little lighter with your warm smile and cheerful disposition (even if you’re faking it). You have the power to move mountains with your positive attitude toward finding the best in crappy situations. It sounds ridiculously like a fortune cookie, but it’s true.
Don’t be afraid to continue to stand up for equality at work. Don’t be afraid to be an advocate for others. You are one of those unique individuals that can be bold enough to speak up when others aren’t or cannot. Don’t lose that quality, even if you’re continually fired for it. It will be a huge asset in your life and will serve a great purpose for you and those around you. Don’t back down from saying or doing what is right.
Set attainable goals for yourself. You often find yourself “coming up short” because you’re afraid of setting realistic goals and losing your desire or willpower to see them through. You can achieve them. You just have to allow yourself to. Baby steps, Rome wasn’t built in one day.
Read your scriptures, even if it’s only one verse a day. You know you need to. There is power in the Gospel that is bigger and greater than you. Allow it to work in your life. Don’t be afraid to take the first step by letting it in. You’ve always been a “fence sitter.” Stop doing that to yourself. Jump in, both feet, and allow yourself to fail a few times. You learn more by participating rather than watching life pass you by and others receive the blessings you so desire for you and your family. Start actively playing a role in your own salvation. Those basic Sunday school answers, do them. You never have consistently, so start.
Go to bed on time, even on your days off. You know how vital sleep is to your health. Stop making excuses to not or finding things to distract you. Go to bed. When you feel better life seems happier. Your attitude is improved, and you are less stressed all around. Don’t compromise yourself by not following the basics.
Be kind to your husband. He has to make the decision to be “in this” with you every single day. Stop taking him for granted and remember that. Love him unconditionally. Remember what you are both striving for together as a family. Play an active part in that. Don’t just stand by and wonder why things aren’t getting any easier or better. It takes constant effort and work. You will feel better about yourself for putting in the effort. No regrets.
Love yourself. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. So many people have found it in their hearts to forgive you for those things you have done. Allow you to forgive yourself. Stop carrying around that constant anguish. It only drags you down. Allow yourself to move on.
Do everything you can so that your home is the optimal place for your son or daughter to learn and grow. Love is the basic necessity. Love of husband and wife toward one another, and love toward your son/daughter. It’s that basic. Everything else is chaff in the wind. Make sure you give your child the best start possible, just how you did for Kayley.
Enjoy the ride of life. There will always be ups and down, the point is to go through them all and thank the Lord for the ride. It’s a beautiful journey. Don’t miss out by staying too focused on one point or another. Embrace the big picture. Thank God for those blessings you often miss when you focus on the negative. A thankful heart is a happy one.
Read this letter to yourself on a yearly basis to keep your focus.
Endure to the end, you will make it.
Love,
Yourself

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to change how much self-doubt I have.

I've never been all that confident (even if I seem that way).
I'd like to feel more confident and sure of myself in the future.

It's an uphill battle.
It always will be.
I know that.

I've come rather far in my life. But I still would like to be better at it.
I imagine it will always be a work in progress.

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Funny you should ask.

Considering that I am...
I can actually answer this question from two different perspectives.

I was once pregnant out of wedlock.
My current boyfriend and I made immediate plans to get married.
When that fell apart I made immediate plans to place my kiddo for adoption.
I did just that.
I'm happy to say that she has 2 of the best parents one could ever hope for.
I wouldn't go back and change how any of that went for the world.

Now, I'm pregnant once again. But this time is different.
This time I'm already married.
This pregnancy was planned - although still a surprise.
It's funny. On almost a daily basis I still have the "realization moment" of "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!"
My emotions toward being pregnant are still the same.

I really enjoyed being pregnant with my first.
I'm really enjoying being pregnant with my second.

I know that I've done, and am doing the right thing for both of my children.
I'm excited to be a mom.
In both ways.

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

As for the right here and now, I'd have to say being happily married and expecting.

I can't begin to tell you the taxing emotions my husband and I have been through over the past year and a half while we tried to conceive, and had one failed pregnancy.
It's devastating to be disappointed every month for that long.
My heart literally breaks for every couple out there trying to become pregnant that, for whatever reason, cannot.
It is simply one of the worst possible trials for anyone to go through.
I'm so grateful we're not "waiting" any longer. I only hope I successfully carry, and have a normal birth.

Honestly, the best thing going for me right now is my future as a mom.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I'll admit, I have. At several different points.

I'm really lucky to have had my parents growing up. My mom especially.
There are a couple of specific times she could even list that she remembers taking me to the hospital due to my emotional breakdowns. Those weren't pretty, but honestly, had she not, I wouldn't be here.

I also think that at any time that I've ever considered, or tried, to commit suicide I've chickened out. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of mortal pain, or irreversible consequences for doing something stupid, especially life-threatening.

The first time I remember making an attempt on my life was shortly after my friend Miles committed suicide himself. My friends and I were so young. None of us knew how to deal with those emotions and life-altering realizations that we lost him, and nobody could ask him why. I don't think we'll honestly ever know all the reasons he did.
This was the first time my mother ever took me to the hospital due to a mental freak-out of mine. I remember intentionally overdosing on insulin so that my blood sugar would plummet and hopefully cause me to go unconscious before dying. It wasn't to be so though. My mom crammed a bunch of sugar-loaded food down me while rushing to the hospital. They ended up not keeping me overnight, but I was there until 3am or so for psychiatric evaluation.

The second time we made a similar hospital run was after I lost my fried Sean. This time didn't involve me attempting to harm myself in any way. I remember being in the bathroom just sobbing and my mother asking me "do you need me to take you to the hospital?" I only remember nodding. And she did just that. God bless you mom. I don't know what my brain was contemplating doing had you not, or had you pretended that "nothing was wrong." Or that "I could handle it." Again, this time I was also not admitted, but the hospital gave me a set of scrubs to wear while on observation to ensure I didn't have anything to harm myself on my person. My mom and I kept these scrubs as a reminder - and as a way for me to not have to say anything if I needed similar action from her in the future. She told me to just "put them on" and she'd respond right away. I wouldn't have to ask or say anything. I can't tell you how many times having those scrubs in the bottom of my dresser drawer kept me sane and focused on the good in my life. I never had to put them on again. Just having them there was enough.

(I never realized how hard it would be to write all this out - I'm literally sobbing while I do because of how blessed I am to have my mommy)

The 3rd attempt I remember was one my friend Jennie Nguyen pulled me out of. I was raped on my High School choir trip. She was my room mate/bed mate for the trip. I remember her taking me out to the service elevator at the hotel, and sitting inside if for couple of hours while she helped me calm my nerves, and get through all the emotional fall-out that I couldn't tell any adult on the trip about. We had been severely threatened as students on the trip that if there was any "boy/girl funny business" there would be no questions asked, and an immediate flight home. I couldn't tell. We hadn't even competed yet. And I wasn't about to have rumors start. To this day a number of my friends still don't know the whole story. It's hard to have to tell someone their friend is a rapist and have them believe you. Especially as a young high school student.

I know I've had several other times when I've feel the desire to end my life. Or times when I've devised several ways in which I could. I'm just glad I haven't. I've seen the fall-out, and all the negative that comes from it. I've seen it rip friends apart, destroy hope, and drown all understanding. I never want to do that to anyone I love. Ever. It's simply not worth it.

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

"The" reason... I don't know if there is just one. I can think of several at least. But really, when I think about the most concrete reason I'd have to say it is: Because I haven't completed my family yet.

Yup. 'Nuf said.