Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This has been a hard one for me to think about.

So many people come to mind...

I think the one person that tops my list is probably my best friend Liz Bartlett.
Liz is the kind of girl that is there for you, no matter what.
Right after Ryan passed away Liz was really hurting for me. I didn't know how to react. I kind of pushed her away. It seems we haven't been nearly as close as we were ever since.

This is something I regret on almost a weekly basis at least.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

Looking back over my life thus far, I'll admit I've had bad relationships, and even enemies. There have been several who have treated me badly.

However, it's hard for me to focus on only one. There are so many past instances in my life that I have truly "gotten over" and "forgiven."

I don't believe that re-opening some of those wounds, which I have already healed, are worth naming a name. I've truly forgiven those people.

So... I'm turning this into a "person who made you appreciate your life all that much more by their poor example."

That boils down to my grandmother.

I love her dearly, but we're not close. However, due to her lack of warmth I've developed even stronger connections with my immediate and extended family. It's funny how one rotten egg can sometimes bring the rest together.

For that, I am truly grateful.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I love how day 7 lines up on Christmas for me.

As such, when contemplating one person I found myself focusing more and more on my personal savior, Jesus Christ.

I find the more I study the Bible and Book of Mormon the more appreciative I become of his mission here on the Earth and the incredible sacrifice he made for me, and for everyone. This Christmas became even more sweet for me as I did not shop for Christmas presents at all. Nope, none, nada. Being able to truly focus on the pure meaning of Christmas has developed an even greater love for Jesus Christ. I feel as though my personal relationship with him is ever growing and has finally reached a recognizable level for me.

I know this post is a day behind - but know that this was my continued thought throughout the day on Christmas.

How blessed am I to have a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.
He truly has mad my life worth living for.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

This, without a doubt, tops my list of things I hope I never have to do:

Bury a child of mine before I die.

I've been to several funerals throughout my life. All are sad. But, to me, the one (or two) people I focus on the most throughout a funeral service is that person's mother and/or father. I can't even begin the imagine the heartbreak and the feeling of unfairness in the world to be there, be strong, and say goodbye to a baby you brought into this world. I just don't know if I'd be able to do it.

I hope I never have to.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Oh the list is truly endless...

Really though, what tops my list of things I want to do during my life is:

Get a college degree.

Really, this sounds so simple to some, but I didn't make it past my freshman year at CSU.
I want to go to college and actually get a degree (any degree really) in something that I feel passionate about. That list is still pretty long - 35 to 40 things come to mind that I could go to school for and easily enjoy my time studying those subjects. But I want to go to school for something that I equally feel passionate for, as well as something that I will use in my everyday living. Something that will make a difference for me outside of a specific type of employment. Knowledge I will actually use outside of a formal work place. You know, something that MATTERS!

I have plans to do this at some point - but no drive just yet to commit to one specific subject or area of study. Hopefully that will be determined within the next 2-3 years so that I can begin.

I really hope to do this in my life.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have to forgive a couple of my past employers for "letting me go."

I know this sounds so typical - but honestly, I've held a deep resentment towards a couple of my former employers for at least a year now. A very deep resentment.
I guess that's mainly because I loved my jobs. I really felt accomplished after a hard day's work at both of these positions, so being let go really hit me pretty low.

Yeah... this is kind of a short post. But I don't want to drill into this one much more. It's still a pretty sore wound.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Not saying goodbye to Ryan or telling him "I love you" before he died.

My junior year was a very difficult time in my life. I was dating Ryan Keller, a guy that treated me with the utmost respect. A guy I only ever held hands with for the 6 months that we dated. Not even one innocent kiss. Nope. Nada. None. When I asked him why he told me straight up his intention of keeping our relationship 100% clean so that we would be able to rely on each other, always. Really, he was one amazing guy.

The last conversation I had with Ryan before he drove home that Tuesday evening, March 4th, 2003, is one I will never forget. It was so thoughtless, meaningless, unimportant. I didn't even say "thank you" for the information he gave to me that I asked him for. I said "ok" and walked away to go rub that information in someone else's face because he'd proven me right. Stupid. Truly stupid.

For the next month I was a shell to those people closest to me. I acted the part I was expected to - "the trooper." I was the girl who had lost her boyfriend. Who was "strong enough" to continue on, and to forge new friendships with all those she didn't know who had held Ryan dear. It was awkward. It was difficult. And I DID NOT share what I was thinking or feeling deep inside of me to anybody. I just couldn't. I didn't know how.

I have to forgive myself for all of that. For not knowing how to stay sane and whole through that whole rest of the year. How to not let some friendships practically shatter because I didn't know how to be real around anyone any more. I have to forgive myself for being human. I always expect better or the best from myself and am usually bitterly disappointed when looking back. This is what I need to forgive myself for.

I hope some day that I can.