Sunday, January 16, 2011

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to change how much self-doubt I have.

I've never been all that confident (even if I seem that way).
I'd like to feel more confident and sure of myself in the future.

It's an uphill battle.
It always will be.
I know that.

I've come rather far in my life. But I still would like to be better at it.
I imagine it will always be a work in progress.

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Funny you should ask.

Considering that I am...
I can actually answer this question from two different perspectives.

I was once pregnant out of wedlock.
My current boyfriend and I made immediate plans to get married.
When that fell apart I made immediate plans to place my kiddo for adoption.
I did just that.
I'm happy to say that she has 2 of the best parents one could ever hope for.
I wouldn't go back and change how any of that went for the world.

Now, I'm pregnant once again. But this time is different.
This time I'm already married.
This pregnancy was planned - although still a surprise.
It's funny. On almost a daily basis I still have the "realization moment" of "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!"
My emotions toward being pregnant are still the same.

I really enjoyed being pregnant with my first.
I'm really enjoying being pregnant with my second.

I know that I've done, and am doing the right thing for both of my children.
I'm excited to be a mom.
In both ways.

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

As for the right here and now, I'd have to say being happily married and expecting.

I can't begin to tell you the taxing emotions my husband and I have been through over the past year and a half while we tried to conceive, and had one failed pregnancy.
It's devastating to be disappointed every month for that long.
My heart literally breaks for every couple out there trying to become pregnant that, for whatever reason, cannot.
It is simply one of the worst possible trials for anyone to go through.
I'm so grateful we're not "waiting" any longer. I only hope I successfully carry, and have a normal birth.

Honestly, the best thing going for me right now is my future as a mom.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I'll admit, I have. At several different points.

I'm really lucky to have had my parents growing up. My mom especially.
There are a couple of specific times she could even list that she remembers taking me to the hospital due to my emotional breakdowns. Those weren't pretty, but honestly, had she not, I wouldn't be here.

I also think that at any time that I've ever considered, or tried, to commit suicide I've chickened out. I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid of mortal pain, or irreversible consequences for doing something stupid, especially life-threatening.

The first time I remember making an attempt on my life was shortly after my friend Miles committed suicide himself. My friends and I were so young. None of us knew how to deal with those emotions and life-altering realizations that we lost him, and nobody could ask him why. I don't think we'll honestly ever know all the reasons he did.
This was the first time my mother ever took me to the hospital due to a mental freak-out of mine. I remember intentionally overdosing on insulin so that my blood sugar would plummet and hopefully cause me to go unconscious before dying. It wasn't to be so though. My mom crammed a bunch of sugar-loaded food down me while rushing to the hospital. They ended up not keeping me overnight, but I was there until 3am or so for psychiatric evaluation.

The second time we made a similar hospital run was after I lost my fried Sean. This time didn't involve me attempting to harm myself in any way. I remember being in the bathroom just sobbing and my mother asking me "do you need me to take you to the hospital?" I only remember nodding. And she did just that. God bless you mom. I don't know what my brain was contemplating doing had you not, or had you pretended that "nothing was wrong." Or that "I could handle it." Again, this time I was also not admitted, but the hospital gave me a set of scrubs to wear while on observation to ensure I didn't have anything to harm myself on my person. My mom and I kept these scrubs as a reminder - and as a way for me to not have to say anything if I needed similar action from her in the future. She told me to just "put them on" and she'd respond right away. I wouldn't have to ask or say anything. I can't tell you how many times having those scrubs in the bottom of my dresser drawer kept me sane and focused on the good in my life. I never had to put them on again. Just having them there was enough.

(I never realized how hard it would be to write all this out - I'm literally sobbing while I do because of how blessed I am to have my mommy)

The 3rd attempt I remember was one my friend Jennie Nguyen pulled me out of. I was raped on my High School choir trip. She was my room mate/bed mate for the trip. I remember her taking me out to the service elevator at the hotel, and sitting inside if for couple of hours while she helped me calm my nerves, and get through all the emotional fall-out that I couldn't tell any adult on the trip about. We had been severely threatened as students on the trip that if there was any "boy/girl funny business" there would be no questions asked, and an immediate flight home. I couldn't tell. We hadn't even competed yet. And I wasn't about to have rumors start. To this day a number of my friends still don't know the whole story. It's hard to have to tell someone their friend is a rapist and have them believe you. Especially as a young high school student.

I know I've had several other times when I've feel the desire to end my life. Or times when I've devised several ways in which I could. I'm just glad I haven't. I've seen the fall-out, and all the negative that comes from it. I've seen it rip friends apart, destroy hope, and drown all understanding. I never want to do that to anyone I love. Ever. It's simply not worth it.

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

"The" reason... I don't know if there is just one. I can think of several at least. But really, when I think about the most concrete reason I'd have to say it is: Because I haven't completed my family yet.

Yup. 'Nuf said.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

For my husband:

1. Truly, Madly, Deeply - Savage Garden.
I chose this song because, well... it pretty much has all the lyrics I feel toward my husband without saying.

2. Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers.
Another love song that fits how I feel about my husband. Yeah... I'm dang lucky.

3. Zombie Jamboree - Rockapella.
I would not know about this song if it wasn't for Jay. When we were dating he made me a mixed CD which included this song. Really, I light up every time I hear it because it's just so dang funny. Besides, if you know my husband at all you'd understand that at least one song has to be about zombies.

4. Stand by your Man - Tammy Wynette.
He doesn't like country. But this song has deep meaning for me concerning him.

5. Jump around - House of Pain.
One of the first songs we danced to together at a Bishop's Storehouse dance.

6. Fever - (not written by, but performed by) Peggy Lee.
Yep, you guessed it. That's how he makes me feel.

7. You shook me all night long - AC/DC.
Why? A. It's a great song. B. There's a story here. Lol

Monday, January 10, 2011

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I really look at this topic a bit differently.
I find that on a daily basis I am referring to my "bucket list," or things I plan on doing in my life before I die.

So, my "I wish I had done this" is really more of a "I still plan to do this."

Travel - specifically to Eastern Asia, all of Europe, the Safaris in Africa, and numerous locations in South America (temples, the Amazon Rain Forrest, Machu Picchu, etc).

I guess this does classify as an "I wish I had done" back when I wouldn't have been the one footing the bill.

C'est la vie - there's not way in heck my parents would have afforded that or allowed me to go without supervision anyway.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Oh there's a fair number of things I could put down here.

However, with all the lessons I've learned from doing all of those "things," I really believe that I am better off for having done them.

I still think the one and only "thing" or situation that stands out in my mind is in regards to one of my previous co-workers. I wish I hadn't trusted him.

However, going through "that situation" allowed me to see the true nature of my current boyfriend at the time, and allowed me to learn that I was willing and able to stand up for myself and not be victimized a second time around. I went through everything by myself. Completely alone. Hospital, lawyer, court, etc.

I don't think I even told my mother about this all 'till a year later. In fact, I'm pretty certain of that.

Because of that lesson I've been able to protect other women from him in the future. We're talking permanent record, and lifelong restraining order from the state I reside in. Convicted, sentenced, prevented from making someone else a victim.

So really, regardless of the fact that I wish I hadn't trusted him. I'm glad I was able to learn my various lessons afterward and become a better person because of it.

I think the eluded to story pretty much speaks for itself.
I don't let others tread on me anymore.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This is my best friend we're talking about.

It doesn't matter if I'm in a fight with my best friend or not - if they are in a car accident (worse than a slight fender-bender) I would be there at a moment's notice assuming I got a phone call about it.
This means I would rush to the accident scene, the hospital, wherever. Even across country or the world if necessary.
I'm the kind of friend you only need to ask once to be there for you.
And that goes for all of my friends. Not just my best.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I'll start, first and foremost, with my view on drugs.

Drugs - a medical necessity.
Controlled substances are necessary for a variety of reasons and there are many people that could not survive without them.

My view is much more stern when it comes to "street drugs" or drugs with a classification DEA code of "1." These drugs are things like cocaine, marijuana, LSD, heroine, meth, etc. These drugs I am completely against their uses for "recreational" or sometimes even medicinal purposes. There is a reason they are considered "street drugs." They are medically unsafe in almost any amount, and their addictive natures make them more of a medical hazard than any type of medicinal purpose they may contain.

Alcohol - for cooking, medicinal, sterilization, and industrial purposes I think it's great.

For use as a beverage... really, you're better off just drinking water. Too much potential for abuse in my mind, and I believe the national drinking age should be raised.
The number of deaths, even weekly, due to alcohol intoxication is staggering - regardless of the "method" a person becomes deceased (driving, etc.).

Basically my view on both drugs and alcohol when it comes to consumption in a recreational method - don't do it, or be 100% ready to accept any and all responsibility for the consequences if you do. Those consequences include, but are not limited to: death, dismemberment, medical problems, addiction, legal fines, jail time, and damnation.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Day 19: What do you think of religion?

I think that religion is a method by which God almighty shared a way for us, his children, to return to him in heart, mind, and spirit.

I think that a lack of religion (of any kind) in a culture robs those individuals of having a relationship with their creator and Heavenly Father.

I think that banning any kind of religion is wrong.

I believe we, as humans, have free agency to choose what to believe, and how to worship what we believe to be God, or the Divine creator.

I pity those that don't share my belief on this. And I pity those that would willingly rob others of having a religion.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

I don't think it should be legal.

I know there are many of my friends that disagree with my view on this.
However, that does not mean I will change my view at all.

I believe that the true reason Sodom & Gomorrah were destroyed was because gay marriage was "legalized" and/or "sanctioned" by the government. Taking away the true meaning of marriage: a contract between Man and Woman, ordained by God almighty. Or in other words - only entered into under church authority.

I have no problem with you having opposing beliefs, but just note that I think any other op pinion on this matter is wrong.

I believe this is a total black and white issue. No gray areas. I think it is morally, ethically, and overwhelmingly wrong.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

It's not a huge "out-there" kind of view change but...

In my British Literature class back in High School I read both Beowulf and Grendel, by John Gardner.

I was surprised by how much Grendel changed my view on the whole "what was right" within the story Beowulf.

I like the book a lot. I've even recommended it to my father (and my recommending a book to my dad took a lot of guts - this man is well read).

So yeah - not a huge change - just an opening of perspective.

You should read it.
Here's a preview:

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Something: makeup.

It baffles me how both my mother and my sister double-attacked me over Christmas vacation this year about me not wearing makeup to church. Really - it's not necessary.

I feel confident in my own skin. I don't like my acne - but I don't feel the need to cover it up and/or make it worse by exposing it to more crap than my normal body oils, etc.

My best friend in High School NEVER wore makeup. Ever. And I owe her a lot.
She gave me the confidence to do the same - granted, a few years down the road.

I find that when I don't have to fret about how my face looks I'm a much happier and less stressed out of a person. My skin feels better. My skin heals better. And really - I don't find "putting on a mask" makes me feel any better about myself.

Besides, my husband doesn't like to kiss me when I'm wearing any. It just gets in the way.

So... look out world. I don't wear makeup, and I don't give a damn about what you think about that. I like myself this way.

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

My husband.

Jay is by far the love of my life.
I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect man for me. It blows my mind on a regular basis how understanding, patient, loving, and forgiving this man is toward me.

He's my rock. Hands down.

I can't wait to see him hold his future son or daughter. He's going to make one hell of a daddy.

I love him more than words can express.

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

*deep breath in*

Jimmy Bartlett.

Yeah, that was hard to type here.

I'll admit, I kind of idolized him from High School through my only year in college. It just seems like ever since then he's shattered that image - and failed to keep a number of promises.

I have more than a slightly bitter taste in my mouth in regards to a few of those promises that were broken.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

Evanescence. Hands down.

I actually don't listen to specific bands or artists much. I just generally don't listen to music very often at all.

However, every March I find myself leaning on the words to one of Evanescence's songs. It got me through the loss of Ryan. And I still find it's lyrics soothing every time of year when that wound is on the top of my mind.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Ok, time for me to start sounding like a whiny girl.

I never get compliments on my looks. Really.
I know I usually look decent and/or good. But, I never get those desired "oh my goodness that is the cutest skirt/blouse/shoes/etc ever!" compliments that I give on a regular basis. Or "your hair is really cute today."

I admit, it would be nice to have to put up with more compliments than I could handle. But, I'm just asking for maybe one a day. That's it.

In general, I feel frumpy and unnoticed.

This fact is made even more evident by how my attitude automatically changes any time my husband compliments my looks without me fishing for them.

I'd be a much happier person if I got complimented on my looks more.

Oh the vanity...